when there's no else..

 

that's how today was. and how august 13 last month was. it's been a long time and usually it doesn't even cross my mind nor if i do speak of it, do i cry but today.. there were some tears. honestly, i dislike feeling this way but i dislike even more that i didn't have a friend or significant other or whatever to talk to so google blogger, thanks for listening.

 

 

 

 

 

 

today is almost over. breathe a sigh of a relief and tomorrow is a new day. anything can happen.

 

what it's like..

“What it's like to be a parent: It's one of the hardest things you'll ever do but in exchange it teaches you the meaning of unconditional love.” 

 

 

this week has been really hard. and when i say really, i mean REALLY. my emotions are all over the place and my heart aches.

i started a new position at work (BVME) and gavin started pre-school! that may not seem like a lot to you but it's a big change and a new routine for gavin and myself. i made this choice to take this on and i think i made right choice. however, i had no idea how many heartbreaking moments mothers go through with their child until i became a mother. i develop more and more respect each day for my own mother (and dad) and other mothers especially single mothers.

thank god for my parents, brother and sista. they have always been there for me, my emotional support and truth in my life.

 

 

"Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body."

choices.

 

 

 

 

it is completely worth it.

even through the hard choices that I have/had to make.

 

in the long run, I know I am making the best choices possible and will continue to feel confident about them.

literally

literally.
just some thoughts of late.


*the brain is the most amazing organ in the body. how is it that you can go to sleep and wake up & remember all the wonderful memories (and awful ones) but in an instant, something happens, and you lose your memory. and then there are things that we have blocked out for so long but have a way of coming back into our thoughts? literally amazing.

*we're always saying, "can't wait", "i wish it was tomorrow, the 2nd, etc", "is it 5pm (or whatever time) yet?".. so i'm making myself enjoy the in-the-moment and focusing on the day. as i get older, time seems to go by faster and faster each day.

*dreams that i have been having have literally been scaring me. i woke up in tears from last nights dream. they feel too real and i hope they aren't going to be actually real.

*i'm tired of stressing about money. i'm tired of living literally dollar to dollar. no matter what i do, no matter what "rules" i follow to save money, i never get ahead to actually save or when i do save some, it's gone because another bill needs to get paid, etc.  a little overwhelmed.

*but no matter what crap is going on or the crap that other people pull, i have a lot of be thankful for, period.


just breathe.
and scream sometimes :P

safari fun

gavin's 2nd birthday party

welcome to the terrific twos!

party signs

safari animal cupcakes

peanuts, of course!

bday boy eating his cupcake :)

(just a few pics)

*safari animal themed (mainly elephants, lions, zebras, giraffes and gorillas.. he loves those animals!)

*lots of yummy food

*homemade decor

*family and friends

seriously.. my little baby is two already? it really seems like the other day i was pregnant and getting ready for him to enter this world and now i am getting him ready for pre-school next year. i am so excited for this next adventure, for all the learning, fun, joy, and everything you get with the twos :)





leaving pieces..



it's easier to leave pieces behind than having them weigh you down.

it's time to leave more pieces everywhere i go..

every..

.....

don't forget..

on a journey to love myself first

it's a lot harder than i thought

but i know that i'll be okay if i never find the love of my life

maybe it's just not in the cards this time around.
but in the back of my mind and heart,
i hope that i will find the love of my life.

buckeyes

BUCKEYES recipe

(took the picture a little late. you will have more dough)

ingredients:

3/4 c. peanut butter (creamy)

1 stick butter (softened)

2 c. powdered sugar

1/2 tsp. vanilla extract

1/4 tsp. salt

chocolate chips + about half stick butter (or crisco)

Mix ingredients together using hands or spatula.  (works best to slowly add powdered sugar) the mix will be soft.

Next: form into balls using hands. can be 1/2inch to however big you want them. Place onto lined cookie sheet. Place a toothpick into each ball and refrigerate for 1 hour or until firm.

After the 1 hour mark has passed.. melt chocolate chips and about a half stick butter (or crisco) in saucepan. Make sure it is a smooth, runny type consistency. (if it's hard, add a little water) dip each ball into chocolate to make the buckeye look.

Take out toothpick and smooth out the hole. Put into a container or back on the cookie sheet. Need to stay refrigerated if not eaten right away.

ENJOY :)







straight up funk

straight up fing funk

(and it doesn't get a pretty color either)

this whole week.. i've been in this funk.

and it's not shaking off.

today was a little better. i don't know what in the hell is going on but all i know is, it was so difficult getting out of bed this morning.

reasons why this funk is going on:

*too many decisions to be made about the future

*going back to square 1 with all this vertigo, headaches crap

*can't seem to get ahead financially

*this damn black fuzz ball floating in my vision

*the angels beat the rangers tonight, um really? i'm not even going to start

*definitely missing my brother and sista

*missing friends. i feel so out of the loop

*ran out of doughnuts (kinda joking but seriously, that sucks :P)

ANYWAY. the point is.. i have NO idea why i woke up the other day feeling this funk when i have so much to be grateful for. 

tomorrow is a new day and what does help, is seeing my little man smile, play, be happy, healthy, and being his mama.

love always*



to all the mama's..

Being a mom is such a wonderful, hard, extraordinary journey. Bless you for your sacrifice and hard work and unconditional love. It's an amazing ride.. hold on tight and cherish it all. I Love You Enough

I Loved You Enough.... to ask where you were going, with whom, and what time you would be home. I Loved You Enough.... to insist that you save your money and buy a bike for yourself even though we could afford to buy one for you. I Loved You Enough.... to be silent and let you discover that your new best friend was a creep. I Loved You Enough.... to make you take a Milky Way back to the drugstore (with a bite out of it) and tell the clerk, "I stole this yesterday and want to pay for it." I Loved You Enough.... to stand over you for two hours while you cleaned your room, a job that would have taken 15 minutes. I Loved You Enough.... to let you see anger, disappointment and tears in my eyes. Children must learn that their parents aren't perfect. I Loved You Enough.... to let you assume the responsibility for your actions even when the penalties were so harsh they almost broke my heart. But most of all, I Loved You Enough.... to say NO when I knew you would hate me for it. Those were the most difficult battles of all. I'm glad I won them, because in the end, you won, too. ~Author Unknown love always*

to whom it may concern

"So hold your head up high and know it's not the end of the road
Walk down this beaten path before you pack your things and head home
At the end of the road you'll find what you've been longing for
I know 'cause my feet have the scars to show
I was lost with vague direction and no place to call home

It's time for you to press on
This is not your war
Set your sights to North and press on
This is not your escape
Wash way what they thought of you"

-underoath

(favorite band.. their lyrics speaks volumes)

I've been really into astronomy lately.. maybe it's that nerd in me coming out. I love anything science (even though I'm not a smarty pants). It is absolutely astonishing *if you really think about* just how tiny we are in the universe. I look at the sky each night and wonder what else it out there.. how many stars there are.. the black hole phenomenon.. how many galaxies there.. more planets that what we know?.. and so on & so forth. I could get lost in astronomy and it's a subject where you never stop learning and never stop wondering.

I had an MRI done today (always get way too anxious and worked up over these things) and the whole time during.. I just kept thinking of everything listed above. like, how did we get here? why are we here? what are we doing to better the future generations? how do we know what to do? and a million more things.. I think when things get serious, hard; we truly start seeing things more clearly. I just hope I'm making some type of positive impact for my time on earth.

love always*

aquarium fun

long beach aquarium

may 17th

gavin LOVED the aquarium! :)



love my little man so much!

favorite exhibit. big glass cyclinder with different fishes

will definitely be going back to the aquarium! i had no idea how much gaivn would enjoy it. he sure loves animals, just like his mama!





just the way it is

it may not be perfect, it may not be what people think it is the "norm", it may not be easy, it may not be what was expected..

it's my life. and i do love it a little more each day.


some little reasons why:
*nonstop hugs and kisses everyday from the most important person in my life
*learning something new each day
*making decisions based on what i need and want (and yes, what Gavin needs too)
*having a strong family force with my parents, brother and sista
*watching my son grow everyday is more than a blessing. with the smiles, laughter, even tears, how smart he is, the cuddling after a nap & reading his favorite book (twinkle twinkle little star)
*working towards a better future for myself and most importantly, for my son
*i feel like I am important and i've never felt that way before
*and for a few friends that i know are true

MORAL of the story..

SMILE.

it irritates those who wish to destory you.

nothing is... I'mpossible

"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards."

Sometimes, it takes awful news/tragic events to truly appreciate life. But then, time goes on and it goes to the back of your mind. When it happens to someone close to you, it affects you even more. One of my aunts has been diagnosed with breast cancer and as I'm typing this, my heart just sinks. No one deserves to go through this but she is literally a woman that is one of the most beautiful (and strongest) women I have the privilege of knowing and having as a family member. I keep sending positive thoughts/vibes/prayers for her and the family. I think with her passion for life, her positive mind-set, love, and unconditional love & support from all of us in the family (and friends), she can kick this thing in the ass!

I have learned that life (and our bodies, think about it) is so fragile and strong at the same time. What I'm trying to say is; I'm going to take chances, do what I want/need, forgive & forget (well as much as possible), appreciate everyday, follow my dreams and make them a reality. We have this one life (as far as we know) to do things right and really LIVE so why do we waste it on focusing on the negative things, being upset, fighting, etc.? That is just one (of the millions)of life's mysteries.

Nothing is impossible, the word itself says "I'm possible"!

anything is possible.. you never know how strong you are, until being strong is the only choice you have. 

FINALLY..

it FINALLY happened.....

freddy + ethel = friends!

they still fuss and hiss at each other sometimes, they may eat each others food, use each others litter boxes BUT sleeping on the same bed AND they ate off the same plate when I gave them tuna.  **purr**

love always*

out of sight, out of mind

*powerful
*at ease
*can breathe a little easier
*can sleep a little bit better
*HAPPY
*comfortable

is how I feel since the last box of crap is FINALLY gone from the mr. ex crap. It may not seem like a big deal but to me, it is. getting rid of this stuff that we shared, that I bought for him, he got for me, etc.. I did it alone and it was my way of some closure. sometimes I get so wrapped up in being angry and hurt that I forget that I am strong and much better than to let him defeat me. The whole process of getting rid of (so) much, I kept thinking, "we were supposed to grow old together", "we were supposed to be a family and keep it growing". It's tough to face the truth but literally, I'd be worse if I didn't know the truth. and part of me feels like some people knew what he was doing/going to do. I just can only hope that the friends (that were friends with both of us) are loyal to either me or him, not both.

I just really need a friend.. I feel so far away from the friends I have that I'm so afraid that I'm going to lose the closeness of them. When I moved out here from PA, the friends I had became distant and when I would visit, some were nowhere to be found. Everyone has their own lives and schedules (I know that, I am one of them), but having friends (and family) makes us who we are and helps us in every way.

VENTING: it feels good and needs to be done.

love always*

short and sweet

april is a great month!

*25th birthday

*hoppy easter

*purchased my bridesmaid dress! only 7 months to go until the big day for my friend, kathleen. i hope it is everything she wants and dreams about! she deserves it and it's about damn time!

*gavin is 21 months

*baseball season starts

short and sweet.

love always

hoppy easter

gavin's 1st easter: april 23, 2011 (9 months)

gavin's 2nd easter: april 8, 2012 (21 months)

TIME goes by way too quickly. In barely a year, my little baby is now my little man.

Easter was a great day because:
*gavin found his basket in his car and dumped it all out then put the grass in his hair and giggled with his cute laugh
*went on to dump all the other baskets and play with the grass
*freddy and ethel found their little pink basket with treats in it
*gavin & grandpa played with hot wheels (he has already figured it all out. he is so stinkin smart!)
*made a yummy dinner: ham, au gratin potatoes, corn and rolls
*watched baseball! indians won and the rangers won!!!!
*beautiful day
*ate lots of chocolate, peeps, candy
*had family time and got to talk with my brother & sista sista
*heard from my bffff!

Happy Easter!

love always.

birthday traditions

I LOVE birthdays! and keeping birthday traditions going.

My 25th birthday was yesterday and it was one of the best birthdays yet! Why?

*lunch with my mama and gavin
*RELAXED during gavin's nap (he slept a little longer too)
*dinner with my parents and gavin at a new sushi place called fortune cookies (super yummy and new favorite!)
*beautiful "gavin" necklace from my brother and sister-in-law (they are amazing and the best EVER)
*TEXAS RANGERS hoodie!!!!
*funfetti cake baked by my mama
*tear jerker cards from my parents and brother & sister-in-law
*card from gavin. he drew with crayons all over it and the envelope; just simply love.
*sarris chocolate pretzels & target gift card from my bffff, sara! she knows me so well. no matter how long we go without talking or seeing each other, we always pick up right where we left off and are always there for each other. i love that i have that kind of friend!
*birthday tradition: decorations, cake and sing happy birthday
*birthday texts/calls from family and some friends, so sweet!

love always.